The Art of Duelling
by Random Shinobi
Summary: Harry finds an old parchment that instructs him in how to properly use his...wand.
1. Chapter 1

**The Art of Duelling**

By Random Shinobi

**Summary:** Harry finds an old parchment that instructs him in how to properly use his..._wand_. Miscommunication, horny witches, weird potions and the general insanity of the Wizarding race go a long way to secure what follows as one of the most brilliantly stupid events to ever grace the annals of history.

**Genre:** Humour

**Rating:** PG-13 (Rated for blatant sexual innuendo.)

**Pairing:** Harry/Many

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, then it might well belong to JKR or to some of her affiliates. Or to some random people out there.

Thanks to _Lovesnape_ and _Marykatepeverell_ for their help.

* * *

_**Chapter One:** Miscommunication_

Harry Potter stared at the old parchment lying on the table in front of him with a small frown, his fingers drumming softly against the old oaken table. The yellow sheet of magical leather was highly curious, and equally bothersome.

He had found the parchment hidden inside the back of an ancient tome on counter-curses he had needed for a DADA essay. It appeared to be some sort of booklet about duelling, but it was written in such a roundabout fashion that Harry had trouble understanding it.

"Hi, Harry," rang a cheery female voice from his left. The young wizard turned his head slightly and saw Ginny looking at him curiously, a stack of books in her arms and bright smile on her lips. "What are you reading?"

Harry watched the redhead for a few seconds, wondering if she could help him to decrypt what the parchment was saying, exactly. "It's a leaflet about duelling, but there's something rather weird about it," he said and paused for a second, gathering his thoughts. "I can read it to you, if you want. See what you think of it."

"Sure," she said and took a few steps towards him, hugging the books against her chest and then leaning against a heavy bookcase. Harry flashed a wide smile at her, before clearing his throat, turning his eyes back to the yellowing sheet and starting to read it aloud: "Like the old saying goes, its not the size of your wand that matters, but how you use it. Although in all honesty, most witches you duel would probably say that the size helps too, as it allows for a firmer grip and more contact surface."

At this point Harry heard Ginny let out a squeak, and he quickly turned his inquiring gaze back on the red-haired witch, who was blushing for seemingly no apparent reason. Harry was slightly perplexed by her odd behaviour, but as it was a well-known fact that she was always blushing around him, the green-eyed wizard dismissed her reaction and continued reading.

"Young and relatively inexperienced wizards tend to have the most unfortunate habit of shooting their spells prematurely. Regrettably there is no other solution to this than diligent practice. However, especially during the first few duels, one should always pay attention to the elementary wand safety as a careless shot can cause a witch to swell rabidly to inhuman size, which may heavily reduce your social life and possibilities of duelling with other witches."

At this point, Harry could hear multiple dull thuds of books hitting the floor and he was suddenly very thankful for Madame Pince not being anywhere around; she would have surely thrown a fit and kicked them both out of the library for mangling her beloved books. He reluctantly lifted his gaze from the old leaflet. "Ginny, are you all right? You look a bit flustered." And she really did. Her cheeks were flaming and her mouth was hanging open. She looked quite comical actually.

"I– I'm all right," she answered, her voice both unusually high-pitched and shaky. Harry really didn't know why she was suddenly acting like this, but then again, he had never really understood witches, and he was starting to seriously doubt that he ever would.

"Hey, do you think I fire prematurely, like this essay says?" Harry asked with a thoughtful expression, leaning back in his chair and clasping his hands together, while staring at the parchment. This could be a serious problem, he decided, nodding to himself. Seeing as a whole bunch of maniacal Dark wizards were after his blood, he simply couldn't afford to make any mistakes in fights. "I wonder if I should practice more. Hmm... What do you think, Gin?"

As Ginny remained uncharacteristically silent, the young wizard looked askance only to find that the witch looked like she was choking. She stared at him like he had grown a second head, making Harry feel somewhat self-conscious, her mouth opening and closing but no sound came out. "I- I re-really don't know," she eventually stammered, sounding more than a bit like the late Professor Quirrell.

Harry studied her for a few seconds. She really didn't look well, but seeing as she most likely wouldn't like him telling her to go to the hospital wing, he simply continued with the text. Besides, he really wanted to know her opinion about it.

"If you find it hard to find suitable duelling partners, you can always hire professionals to help you out. One should, however, note that aiming at older witches, while somewhat frowned upon by society, is a good way to enhance one's duelling skills as older women can usually teach many useful, dirty tricks. These skills may prove to be a critical factor when proposing a friendly duel to witches of your own age."

As Harry lifted his eyes from the parchment he could see a tomato-red Ginny watching him with something akin to terror in her brown eyes. She was indeed acting very peculiar today... Then he got an idea and instantly voiced it, "Do you think your mother knows some useful things about duelling?"

As soon as he finished his sentence, the youngest Weasley promptly fainted. Luckily Harry was quick enough to catch her before she hit the floorboards.

He gently lowered the unconscious witch to the floor and with a tap of his wand, _Rennervated_ her.

Ginny's chocolate-brown eyes snapped wide open and she found herself looking directly into Harry's pair of emerald orbs. "Hey, Gin," he said with a small smile playing on his lips. "Are you going to stand up, or are you just going to lie on the floor and force me to use my magic on you?"

She froze for a second, becoming absolutely still. Then she stood up with carefully measured movements, looking like she was desperately trying to calm herself down. Harry could see a myriad of different emotions flitting across her face, only some of which he could identify.

"Ginny, you really don't seem so good. Do want me to walk you up to the hospital wing?" Harry asked softly and the redhead's composure broke before his eyes.

"No! I'm fine!" she nearly yelled, and the hint of anger in her voice startled the young wizard. She was suddenly acting like he had been baiting or teasing her... Harry could just stare at her in surprise for the few seconds it took her to calm down and acquire a determined look on her face. Of what she was determined to do, he had no idea. In fact, he was almost afraid to find out... An old axiom suddenly floated into his consciousness: 'Hell hath no fury like a woman..._whatever_.'

"Oookaayy... I shall continue then," Harry said slowly and with a healthy amount of trepidation. He cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses, making a mental note to get new ones; possibly something a tad less round and cheap. "Wizards should always keep in mind that it is impolite to point a wand at witches you don't know well, especially if you are frequently duelling with another witch. It is also a common courtesy to not target younger witches as they may lack the skills to properly defend themselves. Also, taking multiple partners at the same time is heavily frowned upon, by both witches and wizards alike, and it is widely considered to be extremely foolish."

Ginny's cheeks were reddening again, but at least this time she hadn't lost her voice. "So, Harry," she said with a weird gleam in her eyes. "Have you been _duelling_ with any witches lately?"

Harry cocked his head slightly and scratched the back of his head as he considered her question, mussing his already unruly black hair. "Well, Hermione, I guess," he said thoughtfully after a few seconds of silence. The brunette witch was, after all, his usual partner during DA meetings.

"WHAT!"

"What?" Harry asked, confused by her sudden and very, very loud exclamation. She had, after all, asked the question and so she shouldn't act like she hadn't wanted to hear the answer. Besides, she was a part of the DA too and she should know that he usually partnered with Hermione. "What do you mean by that?"

He got no answer from the youngest Weasley, who looked like a fish out of water, and so he turned his attention back to the old parchment, shaking his head slightly in exasperation. Harry considered himself to be a pretty tolerant guy, but her weird antics were certainly starting to annoy him.

"Many consider it a wizard's duty to gather a wide duelling experience – to duel with witches of all legal ages from different cultures, societies and social standings. Good practical knowledge is usually a key factor in duels, especially when against demanding opponents or when trying to give a pleasant introduction to the art of duelling for a first-timer."

"Do you think that's true?" the redhead asked, her voice a soft murmur.

"I don't know," Harry admitted and then shrugged lightly. "I guess there is no other way to find out but to try."

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence before Ginny spoke, her timid voice somehow managing to sound both hopeful and reluctant at the same. "Do you want to? With me, I mean."

Harry looked at her curiously. The witch was fiddling with her fingers, looking more and more nervous by each passing moment. The blush that had been plaguing her for this whole conversation was back with a vengeance and the young wizard could almost swear that he heard her drumming heart. Now he thought about it, he was already getting pretty bored with all this reading. A little friendly duelling could do no harm. "Sure, why not. We can use the empty classroom nearby."

The Potter scion couldn't even gather his stuff before the red-headed witch dragged him out of the library, her hands acquiring a vice-like grip on his arm. She had very strong hands for a girl of her size...

Ginny was obviously very eager to duel, Harry concluded as he was forcefully dragged through the shadowy Hogwarts corridors. A small smile appeared on his lips. Her determination and enthusiasm definitely heralded an exciting match. Maybe he could even learn something new and exiting...


	2. Chapter 2

**The Art of Duelling**

By Random Shinobi

**Summary:** Harry finds an old parchment that instructs him in how to properly use his..._wand_. Miscommunication, horny witches, weird potions and the general insanity of the Wizarding race go a long way to secure what follows as one of the most brilliantly stupid events to ever grace the annals of history.

**Genre:** Humour

**Rating:** PG-13 (Rated for blatant sexual innuendo.)

**Pairing:** Harry/Many

**Disclaimer:** If you recognize it, then it might well belong to JKR or to some of her affiliates. Or to some random people out there.

Thanks to _Kath, DavidMPotter, mandalorianjedi_ and _semil_ for their excellent ideas and _Marykatepeverell_ for her help.

* * *

_**Chapter Two:**__ Grindelwald's Legacy_

A knowing smirk found its way to the headmaster's lips as he silently watched the two students who were leaving the library to..._duel_.

He seriously hoped that Mr. Potter would pull through as the winner of their recreational exercise. After all, losing even a friendly duel could damage Harry's reputation – which was, at this point, very fragile – and make him less likely to find more, willing partners. Considering that mad Dark witches like Bellatrix Black were after him, Harry needed all the experience he could get. Of course, Ginny might not be a good enough _dueller_ to realize some of Harry's initial faults, but he would have to learn fast, if only so that he could give a good accounting of himself to the more skilled duellers he was going to encounter.

Albus Dumbledore let his Invisibility Charm fall away, the complicated spell unravelling in silvery strands, and sat on the comfy chair abandoned by the black-haired teen-wizard, his blue eyes scanning the yellowing parchment left on the table.

It had been ridiculously easy to slip it to Harry, and now it seemed that, thanks to Ms. Weasley, his plans were proceeding very well. Not that the plan had ever really had any real chance of failing; the parchment had been, after all, created by three great minds.

A flick of his ancient wand conjured a small glass container filled to the brim with his favourite sweets. The bowl appeared in the air and fell a few inches before hitting the table with a dull thud, the impact scattering over a dozen lemon drops on the wooden boards. He reached out and popped one of the yellow sweets into his mouth, enjoying the sweet but citrous taste.

The aged headmaster knew that Harry was destined to vanquish the Dark Lord, and so he had decided to do his utmost to ensure that Mr. Potter would succeed. The Prophecy spoke of a power that Voldemort knew not – and Albus was determined that this power was love. Unfortunately, Harry had never had much love, or even truly learned to love because of Dursleys.

So it fell to him to correct the unfortunate fact.

Now Harry would learn to love – and love pretty damn good at that – and Albus could just lean back and enjoy the show, confident that the Dark Lord would fall.

He snapped his fingers twice and a house-elf appeared with a soft pop. Albus smiled at the small creature. "Hello, Dobby. It seems that Mr. Potter has forgotten some of his property here. Could you return the items to his dormitory?"

"Sir! Of course, sir!" the elf said excitedly. "Dobby is happy to serve the two greatest wizards of all!"

"Dobby, don't!" Albus started, but then stopped. "Never mind." With a simple hand gesture the house-elf had levitated the books, papers and quills laying on the table into his waiting arms, the duelling parchment at the bottom.

Albus watched the elf for a few seconds in deep contemplation, before he spoke evenly, "Once you have returned Harry's things, take Winky and go and...clean the Shrieking Shack, if you please."

"Dobby is overjoyed havin' the privilege, sir!" the elf said, and vanished with a barely audible pop.

After Dobby was gone, Albus leaned into the chair and closed his eyes, taking a more comfortable position. His thoughts drifted to his first experience with the duelling parchment, almost inaudible, perverted chuckles escaping his lips...

* * *

"Albus, Albus!"

Grindelwald's voice awoke him, and, lifting his head from the dirty table, he looked dazedly around. The other wizard was sitting on said table, holding a piece of parchment in his gloved hand and waving it around like it was something important.

Albus Dumbledore was, however, acutely feeling the after-effects of last night's party and found it difficult to find any interest in a random paper. "What now, Gellert? Can't you see I'm busy?" he snapped grumpily, trying to bring the world into focus. "And for Merlin's sake, stop your bloody screaming."

"Indeed, my friend," the fair-haired man said evenly, but even in his confused state, Albus could tell his friend's words were oozing with sarcasm. "I see you are busy resting after your epic exploits last night. Although I'm sure your brother will be even more famous – or quite possibly, infamous, considering all the things he did with that exceptionally unlucky sheep, than you will be, Albus. You have my deepest condolences."

At this point, the wizard's poker-face slipped away, and he burst out laughing. It started as almost inaudible snorts but quickly escalated into a full-blown, almost maniacal, laughter.

Dumbledore's face twitched in annoyance as he glared the other wizard. He couldn't even hazily recall what had happened last night after they had gone to that bar. _What did Aberforth do?_ he wondered, desperately trying to recall the events. _What did I do, for that matter?_

"What's that paper you hold?" Albus asked after a moment, deciding to chance the subject. Needless to say, he failed spectacularly.

Gellert's faint smile become suddenly vampire-like. "Actually, Albus, that's something I wanted to ask you."

He blinked. "How so?"

"Because you wrote it."

"Oh," Albus said softly. "What does it say?"

"Look at it yourself," Gellert said, and threw the parchment on the table in front of him. Albus reached out, lifting it in his shaky hands, and begun reading.

"Well," he said after a moment, his blue eyes scanning the parchment. "I could not have written anything dirtier without resorting to actual pornography. Did I really write this last night?"

"You did," the other wizard answered with an evil smile. "Flamel and I thought it was absolutely hilarious and, this morning, soaked it in an interesting concoction containing both Felix Felicis and Confunding Elixir.

The parchment slipped from his fingertips and he looked confusedly at Grindelwald. "Why?"

"Because both of those work only when taken willingly – luckily, the rules say nothing about it having to be done knowingly," Gellert explained, looking very pleased with himself. "Special components Nicholas added enable the potions to work through skin, eliminating the need for you to actually consume them. Oh, and this is nothing but an overtly convoluted plan to get you laid."

"What!"

"We came into conclusion that it's time for you to finally get rid of your virginity," the non-inebriated wizard said firmly. "There are even rumours of you playing for the other team, for Merlin's sake! With those potions flowing in your bloodstream you can and will score. It's useless to fight it. Soon, if it hasn't already, the Confunding Elixir will begin its job to lower your inhibitions and make you unable to think straight. This will guarantee that you act on the opportunity that the special batch of Felix Felicis will offer."

Then, without any warning, a scarlet bolt of light blasted through the large window that covered half of the western wall, spreading glass shards everywhere, and hitting Gellert Grindelwald squarely in the back. For some unexplainable reason, neither of the wizards got hit by the sharp projectiles. Dumbledore watched as Gellert slumped onto the table so that his backside was pointing towards him, clearly unconscious. A second later, another jet of light escaped from the neighbour family's argument, came through the already shattered window, and Transfigured the Stunned wizard's clothes into pair of skimpy, witch's undergarments.

Albus smiled in a predatory manner; he was suddenly having a strange desire to do something he had never done before...

* * *

Harry watched as Ginny slid her black robe off her shoulders and then let the piece of clothing fall on the floor. There was something incredible sensual in the way the dark fabric slid down her body, and Harry nearly gulped as he saw that the redhead had begun loosening her red and gold Gryffindor tie.

She apparently noticed his questioning gaze as she turned towards him; her hands, however, didn't stop their work, and the tie was soon completely off. "Harry, shouldn't you take off your robe too?" Ginny said and looked at him intently. Then she blushed slightly and added, "You're not thinking that you're going to do it fully robed?"

Harry blinked. It took him a few second to understand what she meant, but then he quickly decided that she was indeed right; robes would only impede his movements. "Of course not," he said, trying to act like he had known it all along, casually taking off his robe, which had already been hanging open, and then threw it to the nearest corner so that it wouldn't be on their way during the duel. The robe made hardly any sound as it hit the floor in a tangle.

Then he got another idea. "Ginny, do you think that I should take off my shirt too? It would make my movements easier during the duel, don't you think?"

"Still using those kinky euphemisms, I see," the brown-eyed witch said amusedly, dropping the Gryffindor tie on the floor. Then her nimble fingers begun slowly unbuttoning her white blouse and her previously faint smile quickly turned positively evil. "Well, I can do it too."

Now Harry was really confused; he had no idea of what she was talking about, but before he managed to utter anything coherent Ginny was already speaking again, and this time she seemed to have problems containing her grin although she was blushing heavily.

"So, do you want me to service your wand first?"

The green-eyed wizard blinked again and then looked at the eleven-inch holly wand in his hand. He wasn't exactly sure what she meant by 'servicing', but he assumed that she wanted to clean it. After all, his wand wasn't exactly the epitome of cleanliness. Besides, Ginny could clean it with a single _Scourgify_, and the leaflet had said something about 'contact surface', hinting that cleanliness might help in channelling magic. "Sure. I don't see why not."

She walked in front of him, her hips swaying in an exaggerated manner, but instead of drawing her own wand to cast the charm as he expected, she dropped on her knees. And as she had already unbuttoned most of her shirt, the young wizard could now see her white, lacy bra and a gracious amount of bare skin, which caused Harry to gulp loudly. He opened his mouth to say something, but then Ginny looked upwards and her brown eyes locked with his emerald ones. She looked almost idolizing, and that was enough to momentarily freeze him. Then she licked her lips sensually and her hands reached for him...


End file.
